*in deep thoughts*

Just realised that I have bluffing all my life through. Events that happens these few days lead me into deep thoughts. Very very deep thoughts... I gave you up not because I don't like you anymore. I still like you for who you are, but realised that it will be better off if we remain as friends. I will still like you until the day when the feelings really fade off. About the previous blog's title, it's a big lie. I don't want to be such a bastard like what my brother did to some girls out there and hurt them. If I ever do that, i'm no better than him n I will have no reasons to hate him. I am actually very confused over these few days, physically and mentally. I'm just not the way I am I used to be. I'm truthful in the past and now what am I doing? I'm just bluffing all my life away. I thought I could get away just by bluffing. But all in all, that same old problem will still come back again. I'm am a wimp, I don't dare to face the music. I'm putting up a brave front as if there's nothing much happen, but actually... it's just the surface. I hate myself, I can't seems to get things right in my life. Nothing is going smoothly for me, even for the smallest things that can occur in my life and I always have to ruin it. I kept on telling others the same old thing, to face problem and not run away from it, but I am just not applying it to myself. All my life, I have been giving problems to my family and friends. I am not a good friend to start with. I can't even handle my own life, let alone helping a friend. I wish i could do something nice, something really nice for all my friends out there who have been always by my side when i needed them but mostly, I bottled up all my problems. Thinking that I can handle it. BULLSHIT. I wish I could go back to my old self, but I doubt I can. Maybe when the day really comes, you will see me lying on my death bed. I really need to do a lot of soul searching these few days. I never wanted this kind of life.

I swear upon heaven and earth, god and goddess, that I will not lie about another thing in my life.

And lastly, to all my friends out there who have been there for me when I m in need, you are not forgotten. THANK YOU! One day, you will receive something nice from me. If I can...